How do Mexicans greet Dr. Seuss? Jesus!

Why couldn’t Bach pay for his dinner? Because he was Baroque.

1) Bake cake. 2) Don’t cut it into pieces. 3) Eat the whole thing. 4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”

What’s the difference between real life Friends and the cast of the show Friends? The ability to binge watch Friends with your friends.

In America, you’re the bomb is a complement. In Iraq, you’re the bomb is the argument.

I feel really bad about being at this girl’s house last night. I came in seconds. Besides that, what kind of shitty name is that for a cat?

It’s pretty impressive that Beethoven could play the piano considering he was a St. Bernard.

Why did Helen Keller masturbate with only one hand? So she could moan with the other.

How does any girl have less than 90 thousand Instagram followers?

How do skeletons reproduce? They don’t.