What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and Neil Armstrong? Neil Armstrong was the first man on the moon, and Michael Jackson rapes kids and gets away with it.

What do you call a dinosaur from the Middle East? An Iran-asaurus!

Had a job interview yesterday and was asked how much I was worth so I got up to leave. They ask me if there is a problem? Yes there is, I can’t afford to live off that.

Have you got a copy of “Living with a small penis ?” Librarian “I don’t think its in yet” “Yep thats the one” I replied

Why can’t a T-Rex clap it’s hands? Because it’s dead

*a spider slowly rolls past my house on a tiny skateboard* “kids, go to the bomb shelter. it seems my past has finally caught up with me”

Wife: honey I want you to whisper dirty things in my ear! Husband: kitchen, living room, dining room, patio…

Hoe do you call a dog that likes to be on the internet. A Labragoogle.

It’s awful that those other chipmunks force Alvin to wear an A on his sweater just because he’s an adulterer.

A priest, a rabbi, and a scientist walk into a bar… and have a wonderful conversation about politics.