A man goes to the doctor and says “Doctor, my farts sound like a motorbike” Doctor says “you have an abscess” Man says “how do you know?” Doctor says “because abscess makes the fart go Honda”

Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. I came to work naked. I want to be a porn star. Now I’m just unemployed.

What’s the best way to grease a Ferrari? Run over an Italian.

Q: What do clouds wear under their clothes? A: Thunderware.

Where do you see yourself in five years? I don’t know, I don’t have 2020 vision.

What’s brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG!!!!

I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away

How did Jared lose 30 pounds? He dumped his girlfriend.

What did Tom Riddle’s calculator tell Harry Potter? 8008132

French toast I saw on the menu at a small restaurant 10% more French in your toast and I asked the waitress what that meant and she said. “We swear at it”