I really hate when people get brie confused with similar cheeses. I camembert it.

Happy Hints To brighten your day, instead of going to the gym, go to Walmart You will feel a lot better about yourself

My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving

Wanted: Personal psychic for wealthy client. Salary: $10,000 per week plus bonuses. Free accommodation. 10 weeks paid leave per year. Company car. Generous pension scheme. You know where to apply.

I bet the guy who invented falling asleep was totally like “Oh no! I died! Hey, wait a minute…”

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? Porcupines have pricks on the OUTSIDE.

“I’m not a fan.” -air conditioner

who needs people when you got pizza

I was arrested for having sex with a 15 year old girl… I dunno, I thought she was older than that. I guess that makes two reasons why I’m a bad father.

I recently became friends with someone from Central Europe We met at a Chess tournament and I’ve never once beaten him in a game. He’s my Czech mate