“You have to be pretty bad at math to use a calculator to check 3rd grade homework.” -My smartass kid to me just now.

Doctor Doctor I feel like a pair of curtains Well pull yourself together then

What’s the worst part about /r/meirl moderators? [Deleted]

How to even in three and half easy steps. I literally can’t even.

Personality is 40% genetics, 40% upbringing, and 20% the last movie you watched.

In light of recent events, I have no choice but to deduct a full star from my Yelp review of Earth.

Don’t fall in love. You will get feelings and die.

[Corny] Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road? It got stuck in a crack

Hey in my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people can I practice on you?

Me *about to get hit by a bus* OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER