Wanna hear a joke? Serving sizes

History has forgotten the name of the man that invented the “Lazy Susan”, but it conveniently still remembers the name of his ex-wife.

A vampire stopped coming to my nightly poker games. All I said was that he made too many mistakes…

Hi, I’m black and I can’t stand the stereotype that we are all criminals. -Sent from your iPhone

Been married six months and I can’t even remember the last time I felt lucky on Google.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

I always get told off when introducing my wife… Apparently, the label ‘ex-girlfriend’ is highly inappropriate.

Why do mice have a hole in their bottoms? Because otherwise they would be unable to track movement and move the cursor in the computer screen.

I just used Oxi Clean for the first time, and it’s amazing. I’m starting to think Michael Jackson put it in his bath water.

What’s the difference between a porcupine and a police car? In a police car, the pricks are on the inside.