The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.

What did the fat guy give to the fat girl? Just the tip…

Got all the way to the car and realized I left my keys back at the office The two things I hate most in life: 1. ISIS and 2. Accidental exercise

I recently had to stop making clothes for nuns… It was habit-forming.

Did you know Paul walker was on the radio when he died? He was also on the dashboard, the windscreen and the steering wheel.

American girls A kid asked his Dad if he could have $10 for a guinea pig. His Dad says, “All I have is $5, why don’t you find yourself a nice American girl.”

@BurgerKing I love the way all employees working the drive thru speak English as a 14th language. I just got a frog and an avocado.

I added Paul Walker on xbox the other day… Too bad he spends all his time on the dashboard. *Courtesy of my cousin*

How do you know you’re in a modern art museum? If you need to ask if the bench is an art piece.

What’s shorter than Mt. Everest? Mt. Everer