I hate it when people ask me what I’ll be doing in 5 years. I don’t have 2020 vision, guys.

Why did the boy who rode his bike over a barbed wire fence miss his music lesson? Because he’d already done the sharps and flats.

A construction worker asked me to make a joke about the contents of his toolbox. Unfortunately, I don’t have any drill bits.

Small penises are like iPhones with cracked screens… They serve their purpose but nobody really wants one.

Divorce…. Is the fucking you get for the fucking you got!

Be Alert The world needs more lerts.

Did you hear about the Lord Of The Rings and Taxi Driver fanatic who had a bit of a stutter? He said to his friend, “Jay, R, R you Tolkein to me?”

My girlfriend said to me that she wanted me to tease her, so I said, “All right, fatty.”

So you got mustard on your jeans. Shut up about it. We live on a wet marble that flies circles around a giant burning star. Fuck your jeans.

I assume the Burning Bush was the Bible’s first recorded STD.