GOD: I call this Tupperware SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one G: yes S: make the lid a little smaller

What’s the difference between a dead baby and a sandwich? I don’t fuck a sandwich before I eat it

Young enough to know I can, old enough to know I shouldn’t, stupid enough to do it anyway.

Fidel Castro’s last words Fidel Castro’s final words were: “revive me I have the ray gun”

What would a Prius minivan be called? Post-us

What kind of protozoa likes Halloween? An amoeboo!

How did Darth Vader know what Obi-Wan Kenobi was getting for Christmas? He felt his presents…

sometime soon theyll all be screaming my name.. at the jamba juice because my order is ready and i am checking my phone

What happens when you step on an oily asian? Better not say. I feel like I’m already treading on a slippery slope.

Why does Mexico rarely wins medals at the olympic games? All the ones who can run/swim/jump already made it to America.