Love will tear us apart. Also, bears, wolves and some other woodland creatures.

You can extend the olive branch.. but you can’t beat them over the head with it

Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow? Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.

but what does Jesus do when he wants to swim

Im going to nickname my penis ‘The Truth’… …Because you want the truth, but you can’t handle the truth, and sometimes the truth hurts.

A young Jewish boy asks his father if he can borrow $50… His father replies: “40 dollars!, what could you possibly need to borrow 30 dollars for?!?”

So I just listened to Kanye’s album… Dafuq?

What do you do when your girlfriend starts smoking? Slow down and use some lube

Oriental Rugs and Tubs… could be a furniture store or a dyslexic whorehouse.

Why do we PARK on a DRIVEway, but my mom’s boyfriend Craig won’t let me call him Dad when we hug?