What does a baby diaper and Obama have in common? There both full of shit.

I once shot an unarmed man Well I was the one to shoot of both his arms but still…

Police officer asks driver if he recognizes himself. Police officer asks man if he recognizes himself. Then the driver pulls out mirror and says ”yes it is me”

If you plant a block of ramen noodles in the ground and water it with cold ones every day, it will grow into a college kid. It’s science.

I bought a gun from Chekhov… I figure I’ll have to use it at some point.

What’s the difference between a Porsche and a porcupine? The pricks are on the outside of a porcupine.

Strip search? Fine but I’m going to need some music.

How can you tell if a Redditor is an extrovert? During any conversation he’s looking at YOUR shoes.

I worked at a Chili’s when I was in college, which is so embarrassing. I usually just tell people I was a stripper.

I went door-to-door today telling my neighbors I’m a registered sex offender so they’ll keep their damn kids out of my yard.