What do Ebola patients eat? Abola chicken noodle soup!

Shoutout to Batman for being a true American and proving the only superpower you need is money.

[moving her panties to the side] HEY MAA, I’M MAKING ROOM FOR MY LEGOS IN YOUR UNDERWEAR DRAWER.

When I get naked in the bathroom.. The shower usually gets turned on.

I like my cigarettes like my Instagram. #nofilter Edit: learned formatting

I don’t like Jewish jokes. Anne Frankly I won’t stand them.

Sucks that these Crest strips only come in white

What did the Dalai Lama say to the guy in the kebab shop? “Make me one with everything.”

What did the carpenter say to the girl he loved? Oh sweetheart, you are the eye of my maple….

Why are people leaving the Ukraine? I don’t know but they sure are Russian.