I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses. -Every girl, ever.

What did the ruler gain a reputation for while campaigning? Straight talk.

My uncle used to ruin every Thanksgiving with his drinking problem, but now he found Jesus and ruins it with that.

replace the chair in the Oval Office w/slightly bigger chair every day for next 4 yrs til trump looks tiny + his feet don’t touch the ground

“Choas Theory”-themed restaurant: Eating Disorder

How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?

Nascar Rain I think if NASCAR would quit being sponsored by the movie Noah we wouldn’t have so much rain on race day 🙂

Why are you being weird about how we made eye contact and both smiled and then I took the form of an actual bat and chased you for 11 miles

Did you hear about the pigs who took up motorcycling? They wanted to catch bugs with their teeth.

God hates fags He prefers a nice, fat, dank blunt.