Lady:(standing in the middle of a busy street) Officer can you tell me how to get to the Hospital? Officer: Just stand where you are!!!

[first date] ME: one of my biggest pet peeves is people who think the world revolves around them MY DATE, WHO IS THE SUN: i see

A gorilla was shot I was playing pokemon go and the next thing i knew , a gorilla was dragging me around wtf mom

I walked a girl down into the dark woods. She said it’s very scary. I said how do you think i feel i have to walk back alone..

Why did the turtle cross the road? To get to the shell station on the other side! *bum bum chi*

I’ve just received my 14th Christmas card from the Alzheimer’s Society.

Bad Joke You: Can you believe they’re still together after all that crap Friend: Who? You: My butt cheeks!

The wife & I fought last night. Saying things that can’t be taken back. Like perishable goods. Baby food. DVDs with broken seals. Underwear.

Circumcisions are painful. When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn’t walk for nearly a year

Relationships are easy as pie! *burns pie*