What did the pirate tell his littler sister when she asked if she could hold his parrot? ISIS

s/o to the fact that ketchup is a smoothie b/c tomatoes are fruits lol DIDNT SEE THAT ONE COMING DID U FRIES OMNOMNOM

I’m so hungry I could eat this piece of paper. *adds salt to resume*

I’d probably be, like, 5% cooler if I wasn’t terrified of being on a moving skateboard.

[CIA] -We need you to kill the leader of Russia. “I’ll be Putin a bullet in his head. Carl Marx my words!” -Alright! Who invited PunMan?!

The reason you can’t go back after going black is because none of them have a car to take you back or a job to buy gas.

I try to fill the void in my life with food… But it always goes to shit.

Did you see the story about the missing dolphin? I’d tell you more about it but there’s really no porpoise…

I’ve had enough of this shit. I thought to myself as i sat on the toilet for 3 hours.

I need to know how to swim in pussy… …cause im drowning in it