My friends bakery had burned down yesterday Now his business is toast.

Met a beautiful girl down at the park today.. Met a beautiful girl down at the park today. Sparks flew, she fell at my feet and we ended up having sex right there and then. God, I love my new Taser…

Am I financially wealthy? No. But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.

What Pixar movie will Rick Astley never let you borrow? He’s never gonna give you Up! Credit to my friend who doesn’t even Reddit.

Never go shopping on an empty stomach, I just went to Macy’s before dinner and ate 7 turtle necks

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? DO IT YOURSELF YOU FILTHY MAN!

A photon checks into a hotel… A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage. “No thanks, I’m traveling light.”

“The holocaust didn’t happen, Buzz Aldrin did 9/11 & I wear my mom’s panties.” – guy who doesn’t know how to play 2 Truths & a Lie

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman Current body: Indoor couchman

There’s 4 and a half inches of light snow outside …or as most the men on Tinder would have me believe, 8 inches and really thick.