Pro tip: Instead of having kids, just adopt a couple raccoons. They’ll trash your house too, but at least they can feed themselves.

Why did the North Korean defect to South Korea? He did some seoul searching.

Not all Girl Scouts are nice. Some silent fart while you’re filling out the paperwork for Thin Mints and they don’t even say they’re sorry.

Did you know that the Shitzu and Bulldog breeds can never crossbreed ever? Just kidding, that’s bullshit.

dwights farm as suffered a massive blight, almost bankrupt he was signed for a massive record deal on the condition he give up farming turns out all he had to do was drop those sick beets

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

Weighed myself. Did elliptical for 30 minutes. Weighed myself. Half a pound heavier. Never exercising again.

What Did the Sadist Do to the Masochist? Nothing.

I love when I leave work early to surprise my wife at home and she greets me with those three very special words… “Were you fired?”

Pretty offensive joke: Why does all Turkish men have a mustache? because they wanna look like their mother.