The old farmer hates when the horses neigh at night. The weird noises give him night-mares

[blind date] “I’m like, really good at *looks on hand* making the sex” -did you just read that off your hand? “Hey! You’re not blind!”

is thinking that with their track record, buying condoms at a BP station is just taking too big a risk!

TIFU by mixing up by wifes sandwich order at Subway. Whoops, wrong sub.

What did the druggie do when he got acid? Took some tums

im smart. if asian equals pi then four times four is sixteen told you i was smart…

My girlfriend and I were talking about pets, she said she’d like to get a manatee. I just laughed and said, “Two sugars, please.”

My feet were killing me yesterday. I bought some in-soles thinking they’d probably do nothing to help. Today I stand corrected.

When you’re accused of buying someone a gift last-minute at Walgreens, don’t reveal you actually went to Walgreens a month ago.

What’s the first sign of AIDS? A pounding sensation in the ass.