The ocean isn’t shark-infested. It’s the ocean. That’s where sharks live. We aren’t supposed to be there. Humans infest the ocean.

What’s the difference between a blonde and a mosquito? One stops sucking when you slap it and the other is a blonde.

I love jewish comedians they never ham it up.

My cats are named Ra and Isis. In ancient Egypt, they would have been gods.

Yo mama is so fat that we were unable to put her under for the surgery. I’m sorry, there’s nothing we could do.

Big shoutout to the lazy, seven year old idiot who named Red Delicious apples.

Hey Bradley Cooper’s eyes: the most beautiful sky imaginable called – it wants it’s color back

*Skrillex’ mother puts her ear to his bedroom door* *She hears constant bass drops* *Dad walks up* “Sounds like he’s Wubbing one out..”

What could you create with Starbucks caramel mocha chip frappuccino? The Audi logo and The Olympics logo.

What is a ghost’s favorite street? A boooooooolevard.