What do you call a search engine that sings Christmas songs? Michael google.

Pepper spray does not taste like pepper.

I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”

Have you heard the one about the ceiling fan? Oh, it’s over your head.

There is an American Olympic diver named “Steele Johnson”. He could have a great job in adult films with that name…

what did socrates learn from the T-rex? i dino

[my wife and I watch a drunk white girl fall out of a cab] I’ve never drank that much…. [wife looks at me in disgust] ugh, ok I have.

50 Cent used to be 1 Dollar… But now he’s only half the man he was.

What do you call crazy testicles? Cuckoonuts

What do you call when a female physicist decides to try dating women for a change? The double slit experiment.