which came first the chicken or the egg? The rooster

Woke up and saw my shadow and it looked fat. Six more weeks of self-loathing.

What does Harry Potter say when he wants a cigarette? Tobaccio

My dad used to warn me about anal He said “Son, this might hurt a bit.”

/u/kn0thing

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Flowers bee like

You’ve seen those mobile trucks for grooming pets, I just saw a mobile barbershop truck for humans and thought… I wonder if a dog drives that?

I must admit, my “Kiss Me, I Have The Zika Virus” T-shirt is giving me a lot of personal space inside this subway car.

My girlfriend broke up with me. When she did, I gave her a note that said “Great Job!” I wanted things to end on a positive note.