There is no peer pressure like washing your hands because someone else walked into the bathroom.

I’m teaching my dog to jump through burning hoops. This is my 12th dog.

Good thing girls started uploading pictures next to a pool with the caption “Summer is finally here!” or we wouldn’t have known it’s summer.

Friend: Will we be hearing the patter of tiny feet soon? Me: *grabbing her arm too hard* You know about my squirell army

Hubs proposed to me with a really cool flash mob and a medley of Nirvana hits. JK. He was like, “I wanna marry you.” And I was like, “K.”

What do you call making your booty clap for likes and upvotes? Social netwerking

What do you call a productive Asian? China get something done.

What’s the best thing about being the ‘third-wheel’ for your friends in relationships? Nothing. It always fucking sucks.

Thought of this the other day as a 22 y/o… How do you win the vegetable race? You need to get ahead of lettuce

One time I told my blind Nana to go on a seafood diet… She died a week later.