Genderfluid? I just call that semen

I hate people who steal the punchline. I’m keeping mine a secret.

Africa and Asia are playing baseball Asia strikes out Africa, Europe

After several drinks last night, I had a great Buzz. Unfortunately I was no longer able to get a Woody.

Operator: 911 Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do? O: Relax sir, is this her first born? Me: No, this is her husband.

Why are Father Christmas’ reindeer like a cricket match? Because they’re both stopped by the rein.

They say divorce is ruining marriage, but my wife’s parents are still married… …and so are my girlfriend’s.

One wonders if actual douche bags are now available in Ed Hardy designs.

My friend died today… He wasn’t able to speak, but in his dying moments he wanted me to have his EpiPen. I’ll cherish it forever.

Did you hear Bruce Jenner was in a car accident? He was unhurt but his tranny was damaged.