Terrorists are so slutty They’ll blow on the first date

News report: Al-Qaida training monkeys to use AK-47s in battle. Not only is that scary, it’s pretty much the coolest thing I’ve ever heard.

I met my girlfriends dad last weekend, he told me “Anything you do to my daughter ill do to you on my front lawn!” I said “I suppose you’ll be buying me dinner on your front lawn?”

What’s Santa’s favourite metal band? Sleigher.

Why did the crazed Packers fan throw out all of Aaron Rodgers’s forks? They were too Cutler-y.

What do you call a musical wreath made from $100 bills? Aretha Franklins

Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

Next wedding Im saying its a open bar but when u get there its going to be cash.Just b/c its a 3rd wedding doesnt mean u can skip it slacker

Did you hear about the new text-a-fart service? It’s just one cent per scent sent!