On Facebook, my friend became a fan of Paris Hilton, Heidi Montag and Nickelback. I became a fan of unfriending her.

Once a guy at the grocery store yelled at me to stop talking on a banana like a phone so I hung up and shot him with it.

I always thought that Last of Us needed more animals Nevertheless that giraffe scene with Ellie, fantastic.

Why do Jews always seem to find spare change laying around? They cents it.

Trump is a godsend As in 1000 B.C. plague

My doctor told me I should do something about my athlete’s foot. But that’s what makes me such a fun guy.

I saw a man at the beach yelling “Help, Shark! Help! I just laughed, i knew that Shark wasn’t going to help him.

Just one time I wanna see The Bachelor get a cold sore

Q: What’s the difference between a chicken and a grape? A: They’re both green except for the chicken.

New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.