Teacher: Why are you Late Today? Student: Because of sign down the road. Teacher: What does a sign have to do with your being late? Student: The sign said, “School Ahead, Go Slow!”

why dont women drive? because theres not road from the bed room to the kitchen

Boss: What’s for lunch? Me: Food. B: What kind of food? M: The kind you eat. B: … M: … B: … Me: You hired me. This is your fault.

I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator

How much for these old batteries? For you? No charge.

People are loving this whole ‘birdie sanders’ thing but… i don’t recall a similar reaction when bill clinton got a bird to come

Fastfood Clerk: Number 27! Double steak combo with extra fries! Man: Right here! Clerk: Here you go sir, sorry about your weight. Man: Oh, it wasn’t long at al- wait… Clerk: >:D

Being poor means having to read the menu card from right to left.

I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far I’ve got twelve fridges.

The Pope walked into a bar and was arrested for diddling little boys.