in an era of declining male friendship, the rap crew is a more appealing concept than ever

As a politician… You need to shake hands & kiss babies… …and take good care not to confuse the two.

Who is that walking up my driveway?! Anxiety in 3…2…1… [knock, knock] *sigh* “WAIT A SECOND!” *mumbles* “I need to find pants.”

Whole Foods on Sunday is just a refugee camp for people with too much money.

A man walks into a bar The bartender says “watch where you’re going”

Anyone you can do, I can do better..

I will do a lot of things but admiting I’m cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one.

Just bought diapers and toilet paper because all my family does is shit.

What do you call 3 mexicans breaking into somewhere? Trespassers

Who wears a red suit, and knows if you are naughty or nice? The Spanish Inquisition