I love Easter. My unborn children get to play find the egg tonight.

I like to surprise cross-eyed people they never see it coming

My teachers are like my girlfriends… They are both best between periods.

How many anti-Trump protesters does it take to change a lightbulb? TRICK QUESTION. THEY CAN’T CHANGE ANYTHING.

College guy: How do you like it? Me: Salty…of course *slaps down $20 CG: We’ll take two pretzels with salt ~Get outta the gutter pervs

It was only after I started dancing in the food court – alone – that I learned flash mobs are planned…

Why do teenage girls hangout in odd-sized groups at Starbucks? Because they can’t even.

What did the baby eating cannibals say in the hospital to the expectant mothers? Fetus!!!

I tried to catch some fog earlier. I mist.

“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.” *Lights another cigarette*