I put my underwear on like anyone else. Backwards, two legs in one hole, falling down then decide it’s easier to go without.

Thou puny pottle-deep joithead! You tell em Shakespeare!

A guy walks into a doctor’s office… …with corn in his ears, a carrot shoved up his nose and a potato in his butt. Doctor says, “Buddy, you’re not eating right…”

Just want to remind all you Trump supporters to get out and vote early on Wednesday.

When my girlfriend told me to stop acting like a flamingo… I had to put my foot down.

What’s the similarity between eating a girl out and talking to the mafia? A slip of the tongue and you’re in deep shit.

What comes between fear and sex? Funf

If Jenny has 215 coins in one hand and 412 coins in the other,what does Jenny have? 5 days to live.

Somewhere in Russia, a little kid farted a half beat before the meteor blew out all the windows. It was the greatest moment of his life.

What did Glenn say to Maggie at the baseball game? I’ll keep an eye out for you!