I ruin friend groups by always suggesting we start a band too early

Did you hear about the three guys that walked into a bar? You’d think the third guy would’ve ducked.

police codes 472: loitering 213: man with horse eyes 304: gnarly dirtbike 94: breaking & entering 834: dog smoking weed 58: sexy loitering

Today I got chased by a thief trying to steal my wallet.. I managed to get away, but he definitely gave me a good run for my money!

Cop: Know why I stopped you? SUPER DANCE OFF?? Cop: OH YEAH OH YEAH? Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest. oh no

What is a math teacher’s favorite kind of toilet paper? The kind that has multi ply’s.

When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.

Having sex with a waitress sucks. She only takes the tip.

How does Moses make his coffee? He brews it.

What should we call people who leave crusty bits of food in the corner of their mouths? #Herpeaters.