BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is

I got caught having sex with the secretary by my wife My wife was crying and saying you cant do this to me! I said: I Know thats why im doing it to her!

My Dad voted Republican his entire life. After he died he voted Democrat

Why did the polar bears on Noah’s Ark hang out near the insects? They were looking for the ark tick.

Success is like pregnancy… Everyone congratulates you but nobody knows how many times you got fucked to achieve it.

Anal sex is just like your first car You don’t want it, but your dad gives it to you anyway

Talking bout planets with my 8 yr old. He asked if you just plow thru Uranus because it’s all gas. I cannot respond maturely.

I woke up hungover to the sound of my neighbour mowing his lawn. He will just have to mow around me because I’m not moving..

What is Joan of Arc’s least favorite food? Steak

Experience is what you get when you didn’t get what you wanted.