Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.

the biggest joke of all time Trump

The worst part of Thanksgiving is all of the leftovers… and having to heat them up every time I want to eat since I quit cold turkey.

What do you get when you cross an agnostic, insomniac and a dyslexic? Someone who lies awake at night if there really is a dog.

What did Gordon Ramsay say to Hitler? Oh my god put them back in the damn ovens! They’re so under-cooked they’re writing fucking diaries!

What do you call a southern girl who runs faster than her brothers A virgin

What did Reddit say about the post that had no comments? Wow, such empty

How do you make Donald Trump laugh? tickle his armpits

What file does a Knight store his music on? A **MIDI**-val file.

I hate it when auto-correct changes my “omg” to “OMG” like, chill out, I’m not that surprised.