I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.

What’s the difference between a chickpea and a garbanzo bean? I don’t pay to have a garbanzo bean on my face (There’s a slight pause between garbanzo and bean when speaking the joke)

Hire The Pretty Blonde

What’s a Fly without it’s wings? A Walk

Knock knock. Who’s there? Underwear. Underwear who? Underwear my baby is tonight?

There are times when I miss you so bad, that I wish I could remember where I hid your body.

Why should you never bring a fat person to see a dramatic movie? They will ruin the suspension.

What is a pirates favorite letter? No, it’s the C.

How do you turn an old dishwasher into a snowblower? You give her a shovel and tell her to get to work.

Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.