Relationship Status: Married long enough to know when I hear her say “I love you,” she’s talking to our dog.

Why did the hipster drown? He went ice Skating before it was cool

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

No thanks, marriage. If I wanted to stop getting laid I would just start wearing crocs.

Putin denies Russian naval exercises in Finnish waters, claims that sonar readings “were misinterpreted”. Whoops, wrong sub.

*man choking* Is there a doc in the house? *Dr Pepper rises* *searches man’s pockets* Hey ur no doctor! *moustache falls off* *it’s Mr Pibb*

Born Too Late To Explore The Earth, Born too early to explore the galaxy, Born at just the right time to have sex with virtual reality anime chicks.

got a fake ID w a picture of shrek on it. works everytime. bought ten shrek dvds w it just this morning. lady at the counter didnt say SHIT

3 gays in a hot tub A bubble of semen rises up, one looks at the others and says “OK who’s farted?”

So a seal walks into a club…