Kinda rude of my neighbors to be burning leaves before I had a chance to blow mine into their yard.

From 3am to 6am this morning I wanted to kill myself, but now I want some French toast. #cravings

A Siri joke!: Two iPhones walk into a bar… …Carrying a set of iPod shuffles. The bartender says: > Let those iPods sing, man! He was an iSurfer on iPad mini.

Just hugged a sycamore tree before kissing an oak tree. I’m having a treesome lol

I’m getting a restraining order against my debt collectors. As much as they call me it’s really just starting to come across as desperate

[Restaurant] Waiter: Compliments of the chef. *He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*

Home Alone 3: Take the Hint, Kevin

When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.

Shout out to my arms for always being by my side… & my legs for being there every step of the way

I asked my mate what he was going to get his mum for Mothers’ day. “Nothing!” he said. “Why do they get a whole day to themselves, why can’t we have a Son Day?” We do mate, it comes after Saturday.