My life is a nightmare since they legalized gay marriage Because I have Iridophobia.

Why was Freddie Mercury a great front-man for Queen? He could perform “Under Pressure”.

Why do Greeks like fried foods? Because they’re greasy

My wife is like a plunger She’s good at bringing up old shit.

My friend got a summer job in a mirror factory He said its a job he can see himself doing.

A neutrino walks into a bar… and it just keeps on going.

What did 9 say to 11? Let’s get Bush in on this.

Tell me you love me. Then get in the kitchen, make me a sandwich and let me play my video games so I know it’s real

*Girl attempting to count to ten* girl 1: 1….3….5….7….9…. girl 2: What the hell? Why are you skipping numbers? girl 1: Because I can’t even!!!

I got a case of beer for my wife! It was a good trade!