Her text: I’m tanning. Call you when I’m done. My thoughts: SHE’S NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED NAKED

FUN FACT: The Olsen twins were actually triplets but Mary ate her sister Kate in utero and that’s why she has two names

What do you call a clever joke that doesn’t make it to the front page? A clever joke, but nobody will have Reddit…

16 Y.O. employee: “There’s a dirty diaper outside. What do I do with it?” Me: “Is there a live baby in it?” Him: “No.” Me: “Throw it away.”

Hope they send us home early; I’m not sure how much longer I can pretend to work today.

The Blind Man “Ah, I see,” said the blind man as he spat into the wind. “It’s all coming back to me now.”

Watching TV today I saw a struggling actress I used to know had landed a job in a bra commercial. Nice to see her supporting herself.

What do you call a disobedient feline pirate? A mew-tineer! And what do you call a genetically altered cow? A moo-tant, of course!

What’s the difference between Niagara and Viagra? Niagara falls.

Some of you should not be allowed to procreate and if you have to google what procreate means, then I’m talking about you in particular.