I have to work new years eve. But I’m not upset, after work I have the rest of the year off.

What is the similarity between women and square roots? If they are under 16 you should just do them in your head.

I’m always behind the person at McDonald’s who acts like they’ve never seen the menu in their life

At a job interview: “What are your strengths?” “I’m an optimist and a positive thinker.” “Give me an example” “When do I start?”

I ran 3 miles this morning, so if I did my math correctly, I can eat 3 pounds of cake today.

Sex is a lot like eating It starts with the mouth and ends in the arse

Everything is easier said than done. Except for talking, that’s about the same.

Adele has announced that she will be singing the theme for the next James Bond film. Diet Another Day will be released in 2014.

What’s the going rate to find out a girl isn’t into you? My recent observation concludes ~$140. Great weekend.

3 guys walk into a bar Three guys walk into a bar. The forth guy ducks.