I knew Donald Trump was a bro as soon as I knew his taste in music. We both love The Wall.

Matthew McMonaughey’s Lincoln doesn’t make left turns… It just goes all right, all right, all right.

How many men does it take to fix a women’s watch? Why does she need a watch? There is a clock on the oven!

One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.

You should never live in the past. Unless you’re a time traveler. Cause dinosaurs rule.

I’m going to save my resolution for 2015, I think I want to be an asshole for another year.

How to make Holy Water Friend: Hey, how do you make Holy Water? Me: Uhh…Let me think… Why? Friend: You boil the hell out of it! Me: Get out.

Want to hear a joke about Potassium? K.

What do you always get on your birthday? Another year older!birt

What do you call a cross between two KKK members? Burning