What did the hipster epidemiologist say to United States citizens at a press conference? You probably won’t get it.

Why haven’t Fruity/cocoa pebbles teamed up with a milk company to make the flavor of milk that has the taste after you eat the cereal.Idiots

I hope this Hurricane is a Joaquin the park

Tommy Cooper gag A classic Tommy Cooper gag ”I said to the Gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, ”How flexible are you?” I said, ”I can’t make Tuesdays”, was fifth.

Me: My blood pressure is sky high. I need to get my affairs in order. Him: Make a will? Me: I was thinking flings with hot men, but OK.

This lady stalks me everyday from work to my home, and i’m beginning to like her People say its just stalk-home syndrome

I was grilling, and dropped a hamburger patty Now it’s ground beef

How did Helen Keller break her arms? She tried to read a road sign going 45mph

I ate peanut butter and got an allergic reaction. I got sued.

I think my washing machine used to belong to Usain Bolt. It has a setting for fast coloureds.