I recently saw a movie about nuts and bolts….. The plot was riveting!

Cotton Mouth I hate when i get cotton mouth, but that happens a lot when you eat a lot of pants.

What’s a poker player’s favorite sitcom? Full House.

And so, Jesus said unto Peter “Come forth and win yourself eternal glory” But Peter came fifth and won himself a toaster

Me: How was the party last night? 17: It was fun. The cops came. Me: What??? 17: Nah, it’s cool. We got away. Me: That’s my girl.

Male excuses: 1. I forgot 2. I didn’t know 3. I wasn’t sure 4. What?

My favourite sex position is the JFK I splatter all over her while she screams and tries to get out of the car.

Idiot college called, they want there mascot back.

If I could be indestructible for a day, its scary how many sharks I’d make out with.

If you walk a mile in my shoes, you’ll end up at the bar…