If your wife is shouting Q: If your wife is shouting at the front door and your dog is barking at the back door, who do you let in first? A: The dog — at least he’ll quiet down after you let him in.

How’s Bud Light like having sex in a canoe? They’re both fucking pretty close to water.

What is Fonzi’s favorite letter of the alphabet? “F”, for Fonzi. Duh.

Unemployment rate went down to historic lows I think I might switch my major to art -No one ever

Muffins. So there are two muffins in an oven. One says to the other, “Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?” And the second one says, “Holy shit, a talking muffin!”

What is the best part of living in Flint You get free Orange Juice

What does a grizzly wear under his fur? Under-bear.

Facebook memories are a great way to see how fat you’ve gotten.

I’m so pissed right now I’m going to open a can of… what the hell, when did they start putting child proof lids on the cans of whoop-ass?

Which astronaut wears the biggest helmet? The one with the biggest head.