teacher: “there are no stupid questions” me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”

All the kings horses and all the kings men probably feel like they’re being grossly underutilized with that whole egg thing.

What do you call a pessimistic Mexican? A Mexican’t

Yo momma’s pussay is like the white house: No bush, and there’s a black guy in there now.

Bandwagon fans make me so mad, I’ve hated Benghazi for decades

So I got asked if I wanted a threesome… I said no thanks, if I wanted to disappoint two people at once I’d go out to dinner with my parents.

“Kim Jong Il dies at 69.” That’s how I’d like to go. With wet balls and a face full of cunt.

Why doesn’t Jesus play basketball? He got crossed up.

You better watch out, you better not cry, you better not pout, I’m telling you why. Life gets worse when you’re an adult.

Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.