How did the prostitute get a job at the zoo? They heard she could handle a cockatoo.

If Donald Trump becomes president, he’ll increase taxes, he’ll increase borders… And the population of Canada.

What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump-kin.

The memory foam in my mattress is probably wishing it could forget me.

Are you writing a thank you letter to Grandma like I told you to? Yes Mom. Your handwriting seems very large. Well Grandma’s very deaf so I’m writing very loudly.

I came up with a new word that means taking someone else’s work and passing it off as my own. Plagiarism

“911? Yes I need to report an incident” “What is it mam?” “THIS. GIRL. IS. ON. FIRE!” “Getting real tired of this crap, Alicia.”

*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*

I haven’t told anyone but last night I let my husband indulge his “scat” fetish. I’m glad I got that off my chest.

What do rednecks do on Halloween? Pump-kin!