20 years ago we had Johnny Cash, Bob Hope and Steve Jobs. Now we have no cash, no hope and no jobs. God please don’t kill Kevin Bacon.

What did the OCD man get thrown in jail for? Organized crime.

What sport do you play with a wombat? Wom

Q: Why did the condom fly across the room? A: It was pissed off.

Dear Algebra, Don’t make us find your X. She is never going to come back, And don’t ask Y.

Me – “Hey kiddo, you have your shoes on the wrong feet” My 6 year old – “I ain’t got no other feet”

What did the Zero say to the Eight? Nice belt.

No I don’t think you’re stupid, I just think you have real bad luck when it comes to thinking

your Lonely Score is the maximum number of forks a takeout place has given you for your single person food order. my score is 4

The police came to my door to tell me my dogs were chasing people on bikes. The fuck they are, I said. My dogs don’t even have bikes.