There’s probably a whole circle in hell that’s just full of guys beatboxing.

Friends are like snow flakes. If you pee on them they go away.

“How would you describe the woman who attacked you?” *Describes mother* *Gets a copy of picture* *Gives it to mum as late birthday present*

My front door was locked so I tried to force it open. Then my wife said “You’re not a Jedi Paul, just use the goddamn key.”

Q: What did the gangster’s son tell his dad when he failed his examination? A: Dad they questioned me for 3 hours but I told them nothing.”

Old MacDonald had a very bad Scrabble hand… E-I-E-I-O.

How do you know the economy is only getting worse? On the latest episode of “Celebrity Apprentice”, Donald Trump fired himself!

How do you fit an elephant in a teacup? You take the f out of way. ~~say it out loud if you don’t get it~~

LOUD PART, quiet part, LOUD PART, quiet part. There, I wrote a symphony. What’s the big deal?

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double-entendre… So he gives it to her.