6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower? Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?

What’s the difference between a peeping tom and a pickpocket? Well, the pickpocket snatches watches,

I only entered the witness protection program for the free plastic surgery.

What’s the biggest difference between men and women? The phrase “I went through a whole box of tissues watching that film.” is a good place to start.

Sorry a remote fell out when you took off my bra

I love telling jokes… But I always punch up the fuck line.

How do you keep brown bears off your property? Build a wall

Why was the clownfish sad? Because its friends were anemones.

What do Australian chess players say when they’re finished eating at a restaurant? Check mate.

I dig my own Grave. Adds Inter-ior designer to Resume.