What have Brussel sprouts and pubic hair got in common? You brush them both to the side and carry on eating.

Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon

Mmmmm…. delicious!

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like–it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.

My ex-girlfriend is standing at the opposite end of the museum from me! I want to go say hi but there’s just so much history between us.

What is atheism? A non-prophet organisation.

I ate so much at Thanksgiving, I had to loosen my Fitbit. (Credit to my future mother-in-law for this suprise zinger)

How do you turn regular water into holy water? You boil the hell out of it.

Every year you swallow ten beetles in your sleep! That’s what my gastroentomologist told me.

Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.