I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43. Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.

Breaking News: PIRATES STOPPED STEALING OIL TANKERS They switched to stealing tankers filled with printer ink…

What happened to Wendy from Wendy’s? “The Baconator”

“I’m hungry!” says your sister… “Hi Hungry, I’m Dad” your father replies Two hours later, your dad says, “I’m fucking hungry!”

How many hookers does it take to screw in a light bulb? I don’t know, but my basement’s still dark

I hit some kid riding a skateboard today, on the way to work. On a lighter note, I’m selling a lightly used skateboard.

I’ve got a friend who’s a psychopath and he’s got a brilliant sense of humour. He kills me!

*pays $20 for deluxe car wash* *hits roughly 3,287,998 bugs during 2 mile drive home*

What’s the difference between a knife, and an argument with a female? A knife has a point…

Your momma’s so fat… …that when I asked her what her what her favorite time of the year was, she said, “dinner time.”