Did you hear about the new Die Hard where Willis Infiltrates a Corrupt Nunnery? “*Bad Habits Die Hard.*”

“WE WILL FIGHT TO THE DEATH! After you try this delicious glazed poultry I’ve prepared for you all.” –General Tso

What does a gay man and a rhubarb have in common? It’s not right to call them a fruit.

How many alzheimer’s patients does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side!

What do vegan zombies eat? Graaaaains!

Me: You should be nicer to me. You’ll never have another dad. 5-year-old: Don’t be so sure. Mom is pretty.

Donald Trump’s presidential campaign emerges victorious! title

COW: I’m constipated DR DOG: when was ur last bowel moooo-vement lol C: ur doing puns right now? DD: gonna milk this for all its worth lmao

Telling someone they can’t be sad because others have it worse, is like telling someone they can’t be happy because others have it better!

No matter how angry you get about something… … you can’t any angrier than a midget with a yo-yo.